Two Jewish Mothers
a comedy skit
SCENE: TWO JEWISH OLD LADIES, FLO AND MIRIAM, SIT BY A SMALL, ROUND KITCHEN TABLE. THE TABLE HAS A LACY TABLECLOTH AND FLOWERS ON IT. THEY ARE SIPPING TEA AND EATING CAKE.
FLO: So did I tell you want happened last night?
MIRIAM: Something happened?
FLO: I heard a sound it middle of the night. Woke me up. It was a burglar.
MIRIAM: No, really? You don't say.
FLO: I swear, there was a burglar in my living room.
MIRIAM: What did you do?
FLO: Well, I didn't want to be rude.
MIRIAM: No, of course not.
FLO: So I offered him a cup of coffee and a piece of cake.
MIRIAM: (Nodding) Of course, you have a guest, you have to give him something.
FLO: So we sat down and had a nice chat.
MIRIAM: What did you talk about?
FLO: I asked him, "What do you want my silverware for?"
MIRIAM: What did he say?
FLO: He said he was going to sell it. I told him he could have the candlesticks that used to sit over there on the mantel instead. You know, the big ones my mother-in-law gave me at my wedding. I always hated those things.
MIRIAM: (Looks around) I noticed that chair your husband usually sits in is missing.
FLO: (Nodding) I told him to take that too. And you know how I'm always complaining about the stuff my son left here when he went way to college?
MIRIAM: Like all those old comic books and baseball stuff?
FLO: The burglar was nice enough to take those too.
MIRIAM: Imagine that.
(Long pause as the women sip their tea.)
MIRIAM: So then he left?
FLO: Well, I couldn't let him go without giving him something to eat on the way home, now could I? You should have seen him! Nothing but skin and bones. So I gave him some potato kugal and
roast beef. And some chocolate rugelah.
MIRIAM: Oh, I love your rugelah.
FLO: I'll give you some to take home. I made plenty.
MIRIAM: And that was that? He left?
FLO: Not quite. I asked him if he was married.
MIRIAM: Was he?
FLO: No, so I'm setting him up with my daughter. They're going out Thursday night.
MIRIAM: (There's a long pause. Miriam blinks and looks concerned.) Are you sure that's a good idea?
FLO: I know, I know. She's going to find something wrong with him. She always does. That girl is so picky, she'll never get married.
MIRIAM: (Frowns at Flo in silence for a long time) Well, if things don't work out...
MIRIAM: Could you send him to my place?
(FLO nods and sips her tea, while MIRIAM smiles)