TWO JEWISH MOTHERS (a comedy skit by Shevi Arnold)

Two Jewish Mothers

a comedy skit

by

Shevi Arnold

SCENE: TWO JEWISH OLD LADIES, FLO AND MIRIAM, SIT BY A SMALL, ROUND KITCHEN TABLE. THE TABLE HAS A LACY TABLECLOTH AND FLOWERS ON IT. THEY ARE SIPPING TEA AND EATING CAKE.

FLO: So did I tell you want happened last night?

MIRIAM: Something happened?

FLO: I heard a sound it middle of the night. Woke me up. It was a burglar.

MIRIAM: No, really? You don't say.

FLO: I swear, there was a burglar in my living room.

MIRIAM: What did you do?

FLO: Well, I didn't want to be rude.

MIRIAM: No, of course not.

FLO: So I offered him a cup of coffee and a piece of cake.

MIRIAM: (Nodding) Of course, you have a guest, you have to give him something.

FLO: So we sat down and had a nice chat.

MIRIAM: What did you talk about?

FLO: I asked him, "What do you want my silverware for?"

MIRIAM: What did he say?

FLO: He said he was going to sell it. I told him he could have the candlesticks that used to sit over there on the mantel instead. You know, the big ones my mother-in-law gave me at my wedding. I always hated those things.

MIRIAM: (Looks around) I noticed that chair your husband usually sits in is missing.

FLO: (Nodding) I told him to take that too. And you know how I'm always complaining about the stuff my son left here when he went way to college?

MIRIAM: Like all those old comic books and baseball stuff?

FLO: The burglar was nice enough to take those too.

MIRIAM: Imagine that.

(Long pause as the women sip their tea.)

MIRIAM: So then he left?

FLO: Well, I couldn't let him go without giving him something to eat on the way home, now could I? You should have seen him! Nothing but skin and bones. So I gave him some potato kugal and

roast beef. And some chocolate rugelah.

MIRIAM: Oh, I love your rugelah.

FLO: I'll give you some to take home. I made plenty.

MIRIAM: And that was that? He left?

FLO: Not quite. I asked him if he was married.

MIRIAM: Was he?

FLO: No, so I'm setting him up with my daughter. They're going out Thursday night.

MIRIAM: (There's a long pause. Miriam blinks and looks concerned.) Are you sure that's a good idea?

FLO: I know, I know. She's going to find something wrong with him. She always does. That girl is so picky, she'll never get married.

MIRIAM: (Frowns at Flo in silence for a long time) Well, if things don't work out...

FLO: Yes?

MIRIAM: Could you send him to my place?

(FLO nods and sips her tea, while MIRIAM smiles)